Short Answer :
Longer Answer : I was listening to this song as I was setting everything up.
Real Answer : I was dreaming of an absolution. There is a lot of personal issues outlined in there, so feel free to skip this part if you are sensible to the idea of death.
When I started making jewelry, and when I made this blog, I was not exactly in a nice place, mentally and emotionally. In January of this year, the 5th anniversary of my mother’s passing away was coming up, which will hit someone hard no matter how one would look at it. My mother died very suddenly – she had an anneurism – so some days, even five years after, it’s still hard to swallow that she was taken away from us so suddenly.
(And no, in spite of the above, Shelley is not my mom. Through one could certainly swear it by looking at us)
My maternal aunt had passed away in november, losing a nearly 10 years long battle with various illnesses. My maternal aunt and my godmother had become my mothers after my mother died. My godmother is still with me, thankfully, but she had lived with my aunt. She is legally blind and diabetic, among other things. And now she was alone.
So not only did we have my aunt’s affairs to settle, I had to take care of my godmother, too, as we looked for some place where she could live and be taken care off correctly. I could help, yes, and I did – but I could not truly take care of her. To have her live alone was dangerous… and she’s the only aunt I have left that I am close to. My father’s side I do not know well at all, as he is distant with them. My mother has other sisters, but they always preferred the younger cousins to me – I came out as a tomboy very early on and they always preferred my more feminine younger cousins to the strange child that I was surely becoming.
And yet, my aunt and my godmother never found me strange. Eventually, as I grew older, I understood why… It was because I was the same as they are.
(My godmother is moved and safe now, so no need to worry ! <3)
In that period from my aunt’s death to the starting of this blog, I lost many of what I considered to be very good friends. Most of it was my fault, im not going to lie. In 2011 I have done many things I should never have done, and said many things I should never have said. I made mountains out of an anthill. I was trapped in my aunt’s downward spiral and taking care of her in her last moment while feeling completely and utterly useless. When I feel like that, especially when im stressed out, I lash out at the stupidest, useless bullshit. It’s something I am working on, slowly but surely. Im not going to fish for sympathy, either – what’s done done and that’s simply how it is.
In short, I was lost. I was burned out, mentally and emotionally. I just didn’t know where to go, what to do, and who to trust anymore. I couldn’t remember the last time I smiled, the last time I laughed without faking it. I couldn’t even recognize the person I had become.
I needed something to take my mind off everything… Something to save me from myself.
How Did I Decide To Try Making Jewelry ? : Well, the whole thing certainly wasn’t a new concept to me – my two good friends, Bee and Sandra, had been doing their own for years. I had been trying to spread Bee’s business around for a good year. Sandra in particular has been trying to get me to TRY it for months. But I thought that was just funny. Me ? I don’t even wear jewelry ! Make such lovely things ??? It just seemed too hard. I am a creative person – somewhat a jack of all trades, but not especially AMAZING at anything.
I think Sandra just knew, honestly. I think she just saw me on my downward spiral and was trying tooth and nail to pull me out of it before it was too late. She’s perceptive like that.
Hopefully she’s not too offended that she’s not really what sparked me, in the end. Sorry dear. You know im an idiotic mule when I feel like it.
It was around mid-december 2011. I was with my godmother, shorting my aunt’s things, getting rid of what she just couldn’t keep. She wanted to move, but wasn’t sure were yet. There were clothes to be donated, clothes to toss away… and there was jewelry. Lots and lots of jewelry. My aunt had worked part-time in a jewelry store before I was born.
My godmother and I looked through each thing, one by one. We cried. We laughed. When she got to the jewelry, however, it became a little different. She held out a knotted pearl necklace to me, one that I remembered seeing her wear when I was little, and told me that my aunt had actually made this.
I knew my aunt was creative – she was amazing at sewing, as was my godmother before she lost her sight. But I hadn’t known that she had made jewelry. She had only stopped in truth when her health had taken a turn for the worse.
My godmother kept the pearl necklaces, but it made me wonder. My aunt could do it, and do it beautifully. Why couldn’t I ? I was never into pearls much… But I knew there was much more than that.
And of course, I am not my aunt – I needed to find out what I could be in this medium. It made me realize that part of the problem was that I no longer had a creative outlet. I had given up on drawing, more or less given up on writing at that point. I didn’t live anymore. I existed… but I didn’t live.
Even then. it was only in january that I decided that yes, I would try this.
I haven’t looked back since.
Why A Blog ? : Because I needed a blog for the BSBP, which I was utterly and completely terrified to even THINK about entering. To say that im not a little nervous still would be lying << I didn’t want to fuss too much with it, so I picked one of blogger’s premade layout in my favorite color (blue) and tweaked it a bit to make my own. I should probably make a banner at least, but I do like this layout.
Why Name Your Blog After A Song ? : I name things after what I happen to be listening to all the time. Music is one of my passions – im no good at playing an instrument, but I couldn’t live without music. Music helps me focus, music helps me think, music just lifts my mind overall.
That’s more or less it. Whew ! Hopefully I didn’t lose anyone in the sea of TL;DR.
But now, go visit everyone else !